I am going to remain anonymous. I just needed a way to get my thoughts out or I am going to go crazy. These blogs I'm going to write are just about my life, my feelings, and expressing it all down. I love to hear feedback but I am using this site as a way to get all my frustrations out and just learn how to let go and go with the flow... I don't have anyone to open up to because what I have learned in the past is that people just fuck you over.
First off...
This blog is about relationships... HOW I DON'T GET THEM! I try and try, I give my heart out which is probably my biggest mistake.. I give it out to much..I am so broken right now with family and friends.. I am a gay twenty year old male who has fallen in love twice...My first relationship was not perfect in any way. It was first love: young, exciting, new, very fragile. The relationship I am in right now is complicated.. I'm SO in love with this guy. We live together, we do everything together.. I care for him so deeply that he will never understand how much I care for him. I am the first real relationship he has ever had. Which is probably why we have problems, he is so scared I am going to cheat on him, I won't remain faithful to him, and that I will break his heart. BUT in reality my heart keeps on breaking.. He pushes me away so easily when we get in small bickerments. I hate feeling alone, I have never really been alone.. Which maybe I need to learn how to experience that someday. The thing is... I love this man so much! I would do anything in the world for him. He has shown me so much about myself and he can make me feel so happy and yet so sad at times.. We both are unhappy with where we live at right now. I have a couple more months of school left until I move to Arizona. He is supposed to move with me but he changes his mind all the time.. One moment we are on the same page and the next he is on a completely different page then me. It confuses me so much. I know he is not in love with me because he has told me he is not in love with me. He loves me though and cares for me. I don't think he knows what "in love" feels like... I know for a sure fact that I am in love with him. I can't even imagine right now my life without him. I want to marry this man. I just have so many little problems going on in my life right now.. My family does not accept me ( Mom and Dad ) and it is so hard on me when I don't have there support. I might be losing everything soon. I told my mom today that she needed to stop being so selfish and that if she didn't at least respect who I am that I don't want her in my life. This has been going on for three years. Almost four. It is getting tiring. I also have a gay brother.. He won't come out at all and he is 26... with a fiance. So what a shock my family will have when they find out about that. hmm. There are just so many things on my mind. I am not happy right now. Dealing with relationships that are unsure of themselves, family who does not accept, dealing with all this school work, and hating the place where you live... it can cause so much stress that you wish God would just come and save you from it all. I pray all the time and I feel God sometimes, just not all the time..It's hard.. This blog is going to be a ramble right now.. I am just trying to get every emotion I am having a problem with out. Back to my relationship, It is so hard to have a gay relationship... I never like to judge gay relationships but a lot of them don't last... It really sucks.. someone cheats or people get the wrong mind set of what a relationship is about. There is no such thing as a perfect man...but the most important part of a relationship is communication.. and it can become to twisted..I will continue to pray.. that is all I can do.
